What does that mean? You were “ALWAYS” you so you can’t finally become you. Well, my definition of that has quite a back story, one that’s far to elaborate and time consuming to place in this story at the moment.
This “finally me” refers to me being truly authentic in mind, body and soul; a feat the took years, decades in the making, except it blossomed in 2020. So lets take a trip down memory lane, lets reference July 2020 right now.
In 2020 my body just started to revert back to female. I had boobs but my face was questionable as to what I was, male or female. In addition I wore a wig everyday from 2020 to December 2021. I knew how to do makeup but it was experimental at best and something I could not be caught dead outside without. Passing was very hard but understandable. I was also trying hard to bring out the personality I truly had without masks of deceit.
Every night when I would go to bed I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I would see myself slowly taking off the makeup exposing my damaged face, I looked more like a man every night. Then to top the ice cream with a cherry, I watched myself take off the wig; it was like taking off my own costume. I was my old self when I got in the bed and when I woke up I would put Emma back together. Sure that comes for everyone as your body slowly changes to what you choose it to be, but for me; I didn’t choose – instead I was reverting back.
Knowing my body was transforming I knew people would mistake me for a trans individual, something I am clearly not.
However that all changed now….
Today I don’t wear a wig, just my natural hair. It’s got flaws but it’s real. I do not wear fake nails. I have real breasts – not big – but real. I no longer have to take any “Emma” off at night except makeup. The good thing is I don’t always need makeup to pass as I finally look like my birth gender finally. Now I wake up, I am female fully with minimal to no references back to the damage I did to be male. Yea I have the illness but that’s something that would have come to fruition eventually anyway. I can wear makeup or not, nobody sees the old me. I’ve managed to do some of the things I regretted not experiencing as a child and for the first time I do feel whole.
Don’t get me wrong there is still a lot to do, things I have to overcome mentally – like finding myself pretty or even cute. If I never see that it’s OK, it doesn’t impact me too much. I want to work on my stomach as these hormones have a negative impact on my weight. In all, I am happy.
